A New Beginning

March 14 I looked in the mirror and was shocked by what I saw. I had been weighing myself every once in a while, I saw that it was going up, but it never really registered with me that I did gain weight and I do weigh 195lbs now, until I finally let myself actually look in the mirror. It's easy to glance over myself, just look long enough to do my hair or throw on some makeup, but seeing myself, full body, I was in shock. I don't know how I saw the number on the scale and still managed to convince myself that it wasn't that bad, but I did, and it is, and now I'm here to fix it.
I've been kinda half ass losing weight since then, I was down to 190.2lbs as of last Wednesday, but then, as my usual pattern goes, I binged Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So now I have Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday to lose another 2.5lbs before my Wednesday Weigh-in. It's possible, I know it's possible, and it's not that hard, but it's not how it should go. I need to eat healthy every day of the week...or hell even at the very least 5 or 6 days of the week...not just this crappy 3 that I've been doing lately.
I'm trying to be realistic this time around. The reason I gained this wait is because I've been trying to recover from an eating disorder (and for some reason if you still eat the same amount of food, and don't throw it up, you gain weight *rolls eyes*). I was overweight in Junior High (approximately the same weight I am now, but I wasn't worried about it so I never weighed myself so I'm not really sure) and High School hit. I went from being in a school of hundreds to a school of thousands and the workload was higher. There was all this stress, and at the same time I was looking around and thinking "Holy crap, I'm fat!". I was teased in Junior High, but I just brushed it off thinking that sure I wasn't skinny, but I didn't think I was fat, even though I obviously was. I think it was another case of not letting myself actually look in the mirror. The teasing got worse in High School and then one day it just snapped. I didn't start out with a diet or anything like that, something just clicked in my head and I stopped eating. Between March and June of Grade 10 I went from being in the 190's to 143. It wasn't a remarkably fast weightloss, faster than recommended, but not huge...but it definetely wasn't healthy. I was starving myself, and sure it worked, but after a couple months of denying myself of all the things I loved just shortly before I started binging again, but "fixed" it by throwing it all up. After I started doing that I mostly just maintained where I was, but I was happy there, or at least happier. I still thought I was fat (looking back at those pictures I would kill to be there again), but I was way happier than I had been in March.
A year later I met my boyfriend (4 years now, yay!) and he moved back to the city I live in for me. We ended up living together (family issues) at his mom's house, and he made me feel ok about myself, so I started eating normally...and then I just started eating..and eating..and eating. Back up to 175. Looked at the scale, started throwing up again, back down to 150. Ok with myself again, started binging, and through a few ups and downs of gaining 10lbs, losing 5lbs (1 step forward, 2 steps back), I've made my way back up to 195.
But this time I'm determined not to go back to that. Sure, I was happier with how I looked, I liked the quick weightloss, but I hated having to throw up everything I ate (that is not a good feeling at all. Yes, it gave me a rush, it makes you feel different, but it's not actually a good feeling no matter what anyone says), and I hated how shitty it made me feel all the time. I was always light headed, my stomach always hurt, and there was a general crap feeling to my whole body.
So! I've joined a gym. I've made a plan (will be in next post...possibly tonight if I can't sleep). And I'm trying to stick with the mindset that any loss is a good loss, and any gain will just be temporary. And I'm doing this fucking healthy even if it drives me insane.