Weigh-In Wednesday - 195

195 is definetely not the number I was hoping to see yesterday, but I guess realistically I knew that's what was going to happen. C'est la vie, eh? I guess I'll aim for 193 for next Wednesday and hope that I can speed through the first 5-10lbs.

As odd as it sounds, I must say thank god for headaches. I was soo tired yesterday, working so long on Tuesday I had a headache when I got home that night, and it lasted all day through Wednesday. We had ended up sleeping through our alarms and got to work at 10:30 instead of 9, and then I ended up having to leave early (4:15 instead of 5) because they were doing something incredibly noisy in the building, and just the sound of a broom sweeping felt like somebody was using a cheese grater on my brain. So I didn't work too much yesterday, but I got what I needed done, and anything else I can do today. Though we're also going in late today. I'm up and could have gone in on time, but we probably won't leave until midnight again and working 13.5 hours is long enough, no need to aim for 15.

Just added it up and I was at about 2500ish calories yesterday. How do I expect to eat that much and lose weight? It's seriously impossible. So, from today on I'm aiming for under 2000, and I'll go lower next week. Between 1200 and 1500 is optimal, but obviously I seem to be incapable of just making the cut. I'm going to weigh myself everday this week, I find that it helps to keep me on track, and hopefully it won't drive me nuts if I don't see a loss everyday. If it really helps this week then I'll probably keep on doing it, whatever works right? So today was 194.8...which has to just be water weight since I ate 2500 calories yesterday heh...oh well.

Time to get ready for work. Not really looking forward to today.

Exhausted

I worked 12 hours yesterday. 15.5 hours today. Probably working 7-9 hours tomorrow (please please please don't let anyone call in sick and have me end up working another 12-15 hours) and then at least 12 hours the next day. Fanfuckingtastic. But I probably only have to work 5-8 hours on Friday, woohoo!
I'm exhausted and not getting enough sleep and I've been eating too much. Though at least half of it is healthy which is good compared to how I used to eat when I was working this much. Weigh-in for my new new start is tomorrow morning and I'm not going to get 6 hours of sleep (obviously since it's already 3 am and I have to be up by 8 am), and I hate weighing myself after less than 6 hours of sleep because I find that it's always higher than it should be. Plus I've been eating shit so that's not gonna help. Frig. Oh well. Tomorrow's the new new start, so no excuses. I don't care how tired I am or how easy it is to just eat crap, I'm not gonna do it.
Ugh. Headache.
Goodnight.

Fresh Start Plan

I'm giving myself a new fresh start. I did well today so I'd like to say that I'm going to make this Day 1, but I'm not going to. I'm gonna keep doing well until Wednesday, so my fresh start can start on my Weigh In Day with a fresh weight. Hopefully a lower fresh weight, but I guess time will tell.
Since I'm not starting today, I'm just going to plan. I don't know what it is but I love planning. Weightloss anyways. I can't plan my food everyday, what I want changes by hour, but I love looking at a calendar and deciding how much I think I can realistically lose and get to my goal on time (and then looking at my calendar and seeing how much faster I could lose it if I really pushed myself, but I try to focus on the realistic one, promise!).

So.

First off, my weightloss goals. I know it's premature to set up this many since I have no idea if somethings going to set me off track, but if I want to get anywhere I need to have a goal to look forward to, instead of just saying that I'll get there whenever.

My Weightloss Goals
from my next weigh-in (April 18) until my birthday (December 2), which gives me 32ish weeks to get to my goal weight.

04/18/07 - 193 -
05/16/07 - 187 -
06/13/07 - 181 -
07/11/07 - 174 -
08/08/07 - 168 -
09/05/07 - 161 -
10/03/07 - 155 -
10/31/07 - 149 -
11/27/07 - 143 -
12/2/07 - maintain the 143 -

My Exercise Goals

I'm gonna be realistic. I know myself, I'm not gonna jump into exercise everyday of the week, but I figure if I bring down my calories and up my exercise every couple weeks it's way better than nothing at all right? So my plan.

04/18/07 to 05/02/07:
Go to the gym and work out with my trainer once a week.
Do cardio at home for 20 minutes twice a week.
Do 2 reps of 25 crunches twice a week.
Do 2 reps of 12 push-ups twice a week.

05/02/07 to 05/16/07:
Go to the gym and work out with my trainer once a week.
Go to the gym without my trainer once a week.
Do cardio at home for 30 minutes twice a week.
Do 3 reps of 30 crunches twice a week.
Do 3 reps of 15 push-ups twice a week.

05/16/07 to 05/30/07:
Go to the gym and work out with my trainer once a week.
Go to the gym without my trainer twice a week.
Do cardio at home for 30 minutes three times a week.
Do 3 reps of 30 crunches three times a week.
Do 3 reps of 15 push-ups three times a week.

I don't know how fast my body is going to build muscle with exercising, so I'm going to leave these as my goals for now and see where I'm at on May 30th and re-evaluate. Who knows, maybe by May 30th I'll be able to do 100 crunches instead of 30!

My Motivation

So other than the obvious motivations of:
-Feeling healthier
-Being able to walk up the stairs at work without getting winded
-Walking at a faster pace so my bf doesn't have to wait for me all the time
-Looking better
-Feeling better about my body image
-Lower cholesterol
-etc etc etc

My motivation:

Clothing! I hate clothing. I loathe it. I live in jeans and a hoody because I can't stand how I look in anything else, and I'm starting to hate how I look in that too. So I'm going to have two goal numbers.
First when I hit 165 I'm going to give myself $200 to go shopping and buy clothes. Not hoodies, maybe jeans, definetely no purses or shoes or accessories, but real clothing. Clothing that looks nice and fits well and shows off my hot curves. As fat as I felt when I was at 165 last time I had hot curves, I just needed to dress them right and I never did.
Second, when I hit my goal of 143 I'm going to give myself $500 to go clothes shopping again! I loved how my body looked when I weighed 143 and I don't understand why I didn't show it off, so I'm fucking well gonna this time! Plus if I do it according to my planned dates, what better birthday present than $500 to go clothes shopping?

In the meantime I'm not going to totally deprive myself of clothing, so if my clothing becomes way too big (ok this only counts for pants, cause I live in hoodies which are automatically baggy) I'm going to buy myself a new pair to replace, but other than that I'm probably going to avoid clothing like the devil, as I usually do. But! When I hit those two goals, look out malls here I come!

Vegetarian Chili

I made some vegetarian chili tonight. Pretty good. I added cumin this time, which I didn't do last time, so it tastes a bit off, and I don't think I like cumin...but otherwise it's pretty good. I didn't put too much cumin, so it's just a bit of a cumin-y after taste that I'm not enjoying. But I made a pretty big pot of it to refrigerate, so I'll just suck it up and have that damn cumin.
Really it's not that bad though. And, assuming I calculated everything right, it only has 208 calories per cup. A little grated low fat cheese and a piece of bread and I'm all set.

I usually end up blogging 2 hours before I go to bed. So it's before I have a snack (ok I know I know I shouldn't be eating this late anyways, but I'll work on that), so then I end up missing out on my snack calories. So every night before I go to bed I'm going to do a quick little edit and add everything I ate between blogging and going to bed. Or maybe I could just not eat so late. Hm, I suppose that's an option.

Food Today

Breakfast
Slurpee (uh, hello bad breakfast choices. And holy crap did it give me a buzz! way too much sugar and caffeine for first thing in the morning...er...afternoon...umm..well I guess it might be considered evening by then...not the point! I was up all night/morning) - 305

Lunch
Toast - 128
Cheez Whiz - 91
2 Poached Eggs - 147 (and hello cholesterol!! I don't usually eat eggs and I knew they were high in cholesterol but I sure didn't know it was that high)

Dinner
Veggie Chili - 312
Grated Cheese - 49
Bread - 128

Total: 1160

editted to add:

Snack
Special K Chocolatey Delight - 120
Vanilla Soy Yogurt - 70
Strawberries - 22

Total: 1372

Oh my god! Great day. I'm so excited you have no idea. And I'm heading to bed soon (already in my room, which is a good sign and usually means no more food) so it should stay that way.

Ok...so I also just now had an ounce of swiss cheese and 3 kalamata olives. We're out of water and I'm super thirsty so I think it's making me crave salt. I was brilliant with the cheese though! I'm never sure what an ounce is, so I looked up how many grams in an ounce (28), divided the size of my block by 28 (approx 180 grams), and then divided my cheese into 6 portions, so it's already there for me, no need to think and then estimate and probably always underestimate. I can have one stick of swiss cheese when I want it and it's all set out for me and I know how many calories are in it. Convenience is key for me to lose weight.

Total: 1518

I'm going to try to keep my calories at 1300 on days I don't exercise and 1500 on days I do exercise. And today (as well as pretty much every other day this month) would be a no exercise day, so that leaves me with 140 calories for a snack. I'm actually really craving grapes, which is nice.

p.s. I ate the whole box of pizza pops. So no more buying pizza pops. Hm...idea for a new post!

Mmm, Pizza Pops

I swear I just set myself up for sabotage sometimes. We went grocery shopping and I bought a bunch of healthy stuff...and then some cheese pizza pops. What the hell was I thinking? It's like I just put them in my basket and ignored that they were there until I got home, and then all I could think was "why do I do this to myself?". I mean I'm ok right now, I don't even want one, but having them in the fridge is killer. I'm the kind of person who'll eat all 4 at once, and use the rationalization that if I eat them all now then they're gone and I won't have to worry about them later. Which is true cause I usually don't buy them again for a while afterward, but 4 pizza pops is 1000 calories! And while I'm on the topic of high calorie foods, a small blizzard at Dairy Queen is 600 calories! I mean I don't get stuff from DQ very often, maybe once a month, but you'd think they'd have some sort of "diet friendly" size. You don't need as much as they put in a small one, so why not have an XS or a child size or something? I'm not actually really sure why this bothers me so much, cause like I said I don't get them that often, but I just hate portion sizes at fast food restaurants. They're not a freaking portion! I read something once that really makes sense to me. When someone passes you a cup of something, say french fries, your brain will often register it as being a portion, because why would they give you that much if it wasn't a portion? And I don't even understand why they up portion sizes. If they had never upped portion sizes and just upped prices a bit instead they'd be making more money by selling less. I dunno, it makes sense to me. But they wouldn't be able to drop it back down now because people would complain that they're paying the same price for a lot less food.

Well that went a little off topic.

I'm having a pretty good day today. Again breakfast was crap. We went to Toys R Us at 8 this morning, an hour before they open, to see if we might be able to find a Wii. Well the answer to that would be a big fat no. There were people there who had been lined up for 15 hours. A couple hours before hand I was thinking would be enough (even though we admittedly were only there an hour before), I'd have thought things would have died down a little more by now, but I guess not. We have a friend who has a friend though who might be able to get us a Wii without us standing in line, but if we don't have one by next Friday we're gonna go stand in line at Toys R Us for a god awful amount of time. Anyways, I keep going off an little tangents. My dad offered to get us Starbucks, so he dropped us off at Toys R Us. Of course being the dumbass I am I asked for a savory cheese croissant. Those things are bloody addicting...but that's probably mostly because I love love love cheese. But on the bright side I just got an unsweetened black tea to go with it rather than a Frappuccino. Oh but then I got hashbrowns from McDonalds. Argh.

And right now I'm sitting with enough calories to have a snack.

Breakfast
Venti Iced Black Tea unsweetened - 7
Savory Cheese Croissant - 236
Hashbrowns - 250

Lunch
Lean Cuisine Four Cheese Cannelloni - 260
Romain lettuce - 12
Shredded Cheese - 49
Ranch dressing - 96

Dinner
Whole Wheat Pasta - 174
Parmesan Cheese - 25
Balsamic Vinegar - 40
Portabella Mushroom - 78
Bread - 128

Total: 1254

Now I'm craving those god damn pizza pops.

Oh...and I went from 1900 calories yesterday to 2700. How bad is that? Ugh.

Evil Starbucks

Oy Vey! Today actually wasn't too bad, if you ignore my breakfast. Oh Starbucks, how I hate that I love thee. But! I have proof that Starbucks really is evil. Check it out, I ordered a grande Caramel Frappuccino (with whip, *sigh*) and a savory cheese croissant.


Anyways. I've learned my lesson. If I must have a Frappuccino, the light caramel ones aren't quite the same, but still good, but if I really want to be good an unsweetened iced black tea is the perfect answer. And I love them, so why exactly is it that I don't order them? Oh right, the sweet sweet fatty temptation of the Caramel Frappuccino. Oh well.
Wednesday and Thursday sucked too. Well into the 2000's both days. If I'm lucky I'll stay below 2000 today, but I'm already in the 1900's, and I have major night time eating issues. Argh. Damn you Starbucks. If I would have just had oatmeal at work and a Black tea I'd be so set today.

Breakfast
Grande Caramel Frappuccino - 430
Savory Cheese Croissant - 236

Lunch
Weight Watchers Smart Ones Ravioli Florentine - 220
Banana - 125

Dinner
Asparagus - 23
Pickled Beets - 148 (who knew? I figured they'd be much lower)
Oh Naturel! Chick'n Cordon Melts - 230
Salad with chick peas, ranch dressing, light cheese, and bacon bits - 316

Snack
Cheecha Krackles - 89
Oatmeal - 120

Total: 1936

Total:

Weigh-In Wednesday - 193.8

193.8

Which means! I was able to partially fix my awful awful double easter dinner weekend, and major chocolate binges, and one massive potato chip binge, and I only gained 0.4lbs. I'll take it!! Way better than what I thought it was going to be last night. Now my goal is to get down to 189.9 in the next two weeks. Ok, maybe that's overzealous. 2lbs a week is more than doable, but I don't want to push myself too much and then just get frustrated and give up. So maybe in the next 2 to 3 weeks I'll get into the 180's...2 weeks preferably!

On again off again. On again for good!!

Well I keep going back and forth. I have great intentions, I'm going lose weight and have a healthier lifestyle full of fantastic choices...and then something rolls around and the perogies look so good, or one piece of chocolate can't hurt too much (until it turns into 10 pieces of chocolate). I joined SparkPeople yesterday though and I definetely think it's going to help. I always thought I'd be a Fitday whore for the rest of my life, and while it's nice SparkPeoplejust seems to have it all going on. I love that it gives you mealplans (even if I don't use them, simply because I don't have most of the things on their mealplans), I love that it gives you an exercise plan that you can do at home without having to go out and buy a ton of weights, I love that you can set other goals and track them everyday aside from the normal goal of "lose weight". There actually isn't anything yet that I don't love about it.
So I'm moving on from the food I had over the past week. I had tons of bad choices, and there was only one night where I actually binged...but a bunch of bad choices over a day easily adds up to over 2000 calories, and I need to be in the 1200-1500 range. I'm going to try to use this blog to focus more on what I've done good. I have so much self hatred, I don't need one more place for me to write it down and make myself feel worse, when my goal is to learn to love myself more. Of course I'll mention the bad things I've done, but I'm not going to focus on them.

Today, what I did right:

I ate breakfast
Not only did I eat breakfast, I ate oatmeal for breakfast. This is a huge step for me that I've been able to do lately. Growing up I couldn't even looking at oatmeal, the taste wouldn't necessarily be bad, but the texture literally made me gag if I tried to eat it. Apparently something's changed, and I loooove it. That and the instant stuff made by Quaker seems to have the perfect balance of sweet but not too sweet, which is good. I don't have too much of a sweet tooth, particularly in the morning, but most days this seems just right.

I didn't go out for lunch
Even though I forgot to pack one. I realized at breakfast time that I didn't have a lunch with me, so instead I ate two packs of oatmeal since I was still hungry and eating two would keep me fuller throughout the day and less likely to go to a fastfood restaurant or to the vending machine. I did end up going to the vending machine, but only because I knew that lately they've put in a slightly healthier choice of Cheecha Krackles. Admittedly they're not perfect, but they're much better than the Miss Vickie's Salt and Vinegar chips that were calling my name. To go with that I also had an AllBran bar that I had at my desk. I know that most "bars" aren't that fantastic for you, and I should have had actual AllBran rather than an AllBran bar, but cereal is hard to keep and eat at work, and it's better than a chocolate bar!

I didn't stick around work for cheap french fries
The cafeteria is only open some days, and then it does open it doesn't open until 4:30pm for the night shift. I was planning on leaving at 4:30 today instead of 5 so I could meet my bf at the library and then go home, and there were so many thoughts of "well it'll take him longer than you to get to the library, so why not stick around and have some super cheap french fries and cheese sauce". I love love love french fries, especially with cheese sauce, so to just walk out the door at 4:30 was a big step for me.

I walked to the library instead of taking the train
It's only a 15-20 minute walk, but some days, particularly days like today where it was snowing a bit, it seems so much more appealing to be undercover on the train. But today I decided to walk it and felt better for it.

I didn't stop at Arby's on my way to the library
Usually when I do end up walking I completely defeat the purpose and stop at Arby's for some fries! Can you tell that fries are a huge weakness for me? If I could pick one food to make an automatic free food it would definetely be french fries. I have such a salt tooth it's crazy and I'm a big potato fan, have been ever since I was little. But today I didn't succomb to the delicious temptation, and while I'm still craving salt like mad I think I'll have a pickle instead haha.

So I think I did pretty good. I had been planning on using the exercise bike at home (since going to the gym kinda fell through since the bf and I only got a couple hours of sleep and were exhausted), but we ended up just going to bed at 7. But I'm up now for a couple hours so maybe I'll do something before I fall back to sleep (though if I'm smart I'll use this chance to catch up on some sleep. Exercise is good, but it's hard to even function without enough sleep). I should have something to eat though, I've had a lot of carbs today and not enough calories since supper ended up just being a bowl of brown rice before I passed out. But then there's that nagging beast in my head telling me that if I don't eat anymore then maybe in the morning I'll be below 195 (yep, I'm back up there). But maybe I just won't bother weighing in the morning and take 195 as my Wednesday Weigh-In. This is probably the smartest idea, so I think I'll go with it. Nutrition is more important than losing a bunch of weight (especially since this weekend I had creeped up to 197, so I have fixed things a bit).

Other happy news! I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon, and she looked at my boobs, finally took all the paper tape off (I know, it's only been a month, but I wanted to see what they really really looked like damn it!) and she said that they're not perfect yet, but looking really good for the stage they're at. I was grabbing my pills tonight and I was completely topless and I had a chance to really look in the mirror (I'm so bad about doing that, I like to pretend my body doesn't exist for the most part), and I was so happy with what I saw. Everyday I'm happier and happier with my decision to have this breast reduction. Sure there's scars, but they're minimal compared to what other types of breast reduction surgery have (I don't have the big one that goes underneath the breast, but I do have the one that goes around the nipple and down), and there's a little bit of puckering on the one side, but she assures me that the puckering will go away (and if it doesn't they fix it), and the scars will fade at least a little. And ya know what? Even if they didn't, I'm so happy with the shape and the size I'd be ok with that. The scarring isn't too bad yet, and I could definetely handle it if it stays this way.

Food today:
Breakfast
Quaker Instant Oatmeal - Apple Cinnamon: 110
Quaker Instant Oatmeal - Maple and Brown Sugar: 120

Lunch
Kellogg's AllBran Bar: 130
Salt and Vinegar Cheecha Krackles: 89

Supper
Brown Rice with soy sauce, teriyaki, and hot sauce: 368

Snack
Chocolate (damn you Easter! I don't even like chocolate that much): 226

Total: 1043 (as you can see I need to have at least 150 more calories to hit my minimum calories, and I definetely don't want my metabolism to go into starvation mode)

Editted to add:
Supper
Brown rice with soy sauce: 119
Green Beans: 51
Parmesan Cheese: 10
Oh Naturel! Meatless Chicken Cordon Melts: 230

New Total: 1453

So maybe I'm just tired, but while looking up the nutritional information for the Meatless Chicken Cordon Melts, I was amused that it said on Schneiders website "A delicious breaded and stuffed meatless cutlet. Delicious served with brown rice and a side mixture of grilled vegetables sprinkled with Parmesan cheese." It's like I had my own little version of this without even looking at that site (just green beans instead of mixed grilled veggies) right down to the parmesan cheese. Are they ever right! It was delicious. Not the best fake chicken I've had, but it's good...the broccoli cheese ones are even better. And I like that they have the cheese in the middle that gives it the delicious cheesey flavor that I love, without having a whole crapload of cheese to majorly up the calories.

p.s. I fell within all but two of my nutritional goals on SparkPeople *thumbs up*
Folate and calcium were too low, which I should really up...maybe I'll start taking a folate supplement. I want to have kids sometime before I'm 25 (or maybe when I am 25...that'd work too) and they recommend that you take folate for a few years before you have kids to promote a healthy pregnancy...not sure what it does, I should look it up sometime. I'm so bad about taking pills though, I'd be way better off if I could just find some really good high folate foods.

Weigh-In Wednesday - 193.4

Ugh. Gained. I knew I would, after the buffet last night and the nachos at the game...but I still feel like crap about it. I could have made better choices, but I decided not to, and now I get to live with it. And then to make it even worse, I felt really shitty about it, and then shitty about life, and gross, so I ate bad again today. Argh! I'm going to restart my week tomorrow and do way better. It's Easter this weekend, but that is not going to give me an excuse to binge. It's not worth it, eating will just give me a temporary happiness, but losing weight is going to make me feel a lot happier all the time.

Grande Dolce De Leche Blended Coffee w/ whip - 420
Savory Cheese Croissant - 200
Avantage Roasted Red Pepper Tortellini - 240
Cheecha Krackles - 87
Small Poutine (New York Fries) - 500 (guessing)
Grilled Cheese Sandwich (McDonalds) - 260
2 Homemade Grilled Cheese - 583
2 cheese Pizza Pops - 500

oh god I'm scared to add this up...

Total for the day *drum roll*: 2790

Wow. I'm seriously in shock. That's 1000 calories over what my high calorie range is supposed to be right now. Just...wow. No wonder I gained so much weight over the past year...that wasn't a completely abnormal day for me...I mean not every day before, but sometimes every other. Wow. Sorry, I'm apparently in complete shock over this heh...Damn.

Goodbye Frappuccinos, Goodbye French Fries, Goodbye Grilled Cheese, and Goodbye Pizza Pops. You'll be missed, but there's just no room for you anymore.

Moving Right Along

Could be better, could be worse. Not going to actually start counting calories until Wednesday, since I would only be counting one day (since tomorrow going for free dinner! I'm probably making a bigger deal of this than it is, but my manager only gives this to people he considers important, so I'm happy he considers me important lol).
I had approx. 1.5 cups of shell noodles (not whole wheat), with half a cup of tomato sauce, some shredded cheese on top, a fake chicken breast, and garlic toast for supper. Dessert was strawberries with whipped cream and sugarfree maple syrup. And now I've had a grilled cheese sandwich. It could be worse, I could have binged, but instead I just made some unhealthy choices. But I'll forgive and forget. Wednesday's my official start for April so I'll do better then.